No Cash Value

My soul hasn’t burned for a SoulCalibur game since SoulCali II. After the last two extremely half-hearted sequels I have a hard time stoking the ol' soul up much hotter than room temperature and it feels like the series has been relegated to a competent-but-stale novelty act by both Namco and fans alike.

Enter SoulCalibur V, with its new Story Mode, expanded character creator, and improved netcode. While Story Mode is a stark improvement over anything offered in SoulCali IV, that statement only carries weight if you’re interested in using Patroklos and Pyrrha (Sophitia’s kids), otherwise your single-player experience is limited to a six-level bossless Arcade Mode and a Quickplay Mode against random CPU opponents, making SoulCali V seem incredibly barebones in the wake of last year’s content-stuffed Mortal Kombat reboot, and forces the game’s online component to carry most of the burden. Though as luck would have it, online play is much improved this time out with a lobby system featuring a spectator mode and almost no lag. The roster is a solid mix of fresh faces and old favorites and it's unquestionably one of the best looking fighters on the market, but the problem remains that after having played Mortal Kombat, I’ve come to expect more from my fighting games and SoulCalibur V comes up short.

Reinventing fighting games is tricky business - change too much and you incur the wrath of your longtime fans, but change too little and you risk slipping further into obscurity with each passing iteration. Namco clearly hasn't found the sweet spot between the two, choosing to make minor improvements in lieu of a full overhaul as the future of the series teeters on the edge of the stage of history.

Want to follow me on Twitter? Take care of all that business @LittleTMart.

See you Thursday!

-Mattout.

Someday I'll get around to telling the tragic origin of Morbidly Obese Roadside Statue of Liberty Wearing a Ski Mask.

No, you know what? I'll do it right now.

He got fired from the gas station and now he does this part-time since they won't hire him back at the pizza shop because of his DUIs.

That's some heart-breaking stuff, right there.

Anyway, my back is all kinds of effed up right now and sitting in this goddamn office chair is only making it worse, so let me wrap things up with my usual plug and we can all go about our business.

For me, that business is eating food and trying to remain as horizontal as possible - for you, that business is following me on Twitter (@LittleTMart) and continuing to spend your evening however smart, funny, attractive people such as yourselves spend their evenings.

See you Thursday!

-Mattout.

A few people have expressed concern with my choice to introduce a woman to this strip, mainly because that usually only happens when one of the male characters find themselves in need of a fantasy girlfriend or wife. Well, that is not my intent with precious Emily. I have a lot of experience at being a rather bumbling member of the male gender - with Emily, I wanted to step outside my comfort zone a little.

It'll be fine. Probably.

And if it's not, you can look me up on Twitter @LittleTMart and tell me all about it.

See you, Thursday!

-Mattout.

[Edit: Tweaked the wording a little. I try not to do this after I've already posted, but it needed it.]

If women are present, it's a guarantee that my intestinal tract looks like a colony of balloon animals, over-inflated and twisted from hours of agonizingly holding onto my gaseous waste. Dear future wife, whomever you may be: I apologize in advance for all of the night farts; I have no control over those.

Brain farts are a different story entirely. I drop those daily and Twitter has the unfortunate task of making them public information. You can follow me @LittleTMart if you so desire.

See you Thursday!

-Mattout.

That was an actual present from my mom and stepdad this year - it's an old map from Castlevania II: Simon's Quest that ran in the second issue of Nintendo Power.

Here's a closer look:

Next in line for my growing showroom of early video game cartography is this little number:

Maybe you've seen it.

I'm going to go put food in my belly and Sherlock in my eyes, ears, and mind. As always, you can follow me on Twitter @LittleTMart.

See you Thursday!

-Mattout.